Then I also remember something.. It was my 5th birthday.. He took us to the famous Luneta Park. Not so much of a memory but I remembered that was my last birthday as a complete family..
Then he worked overseas. I felt so sad when he left. More so when after 2 years the family fell apart!.. Actually until now I still don't know how and when the family started falling apart but all I can remember that when it happened everything changed.
When he came back, he became so quiet, so distant to the people around us and to the neighbors... But he was never distant to me... his "bunso" as he called me (meaning the littlest member of the family). He is always full of life to me, though I saw it in his eyes that there is something that he was trying to hide. Something I couldn't understand until before he died.
I loved my dad so much! When I was still young, during my school vacation, I would bring him his lunch (he was the best carpenter in the world). He was so pleased with me because I do that for months without complaining... During weekends, he would take me to catch fish, crabs, shrimps to some nearby lake/river.. whatever you call it.
I am a certified daddy's girl. He will sing for me his favorite song "somewhere out there", telling me that it was his song for me. Even if people judge him for being "lazy" I didn't care because they didn't know the real story why was it like that!
He never thought me to be angry to the world. He was forever calm. Yes he would occasionally scold me for being naughty, for misbehaving, but he never hit me.. never! He was the epitome of a loving father.
I chose him not my mom... when the family fell apart. You cannot blame me for choosing him and loving him more than the woman who carried me for 9 months. Yeah, was all that she did.. other than that it was my dad who nurtured me for as far as I can remember.
He was so proud when I graduated college! He told me.. "bunso, please graduate from college, all your brother and sisters failed me.. please don't fail me, you'are the only left to give me pride"... So I did! I didn't let him down and I felt he was so proud that day when he came up the stage with me. He was all smiles.. like it was the perfect day for him.
We had plans. He wanted me to rest for a while.. I wanted to work immediately... Then my mom came home... and ruined all our plans. He took me away from my dad.. Did all her best to take me away from my dearest father. And I knew he was hurt!... I hurt him! And I was sorry for that.
But just as the loving father as he was.. he forgot everything that happened when I got married and saw his lovely grandchildren.. Oh he love them so much! He was the best grand dad in the whole world.
Even he is old.. He managed to finish my family's house.. in my hometown.. YES! It was his masterpiece, and I didn't realize that it will be his last...
He new that my family was falling apart. And I could feel he pains for me... He knows me through and through. But he was never a butt-in kind of dad.. He respected me so much that he will not say a word.. not when I will tell him. He is that reserved!
What pains me most is that he DIED without me by his side! I was not there when he was suffering on his death bed.. and my mom was the one who made that possible! She didn't tell me what was happening to my dad that time because I was on my way to the airport going to Indonesia. And I hate her for that! I never got the chance to say goodbye to my dad!
When I found out about it.. I was furious! for it took 2 months before they could finally tell me that he has passed away.. I knew something was not right because every time I call back home they could not put him on the phone! They all conspired not to tell me he died already!.. But I saw him in my dreams... hugging me, telling me how much he love me...
How painful was that on my part? We didn't even hug each other before he left the human world.
SO everyday I would teach, with my eyes almost shut of crying. i didn't speak to my co-workers for months. I wanted to go and see him but I couldn't. i am contract-bound. My bosses saw how hurt was I knowing that I have to work though I was mourning!. But my dad was my strength, I knew he wanted me to know that he left. But he wanted me to be happy!
If I will continue to write.. I will just end up praising him... All I know is that my dad is one of the best. I'm not saying that he is the best dad... But I know he one of the best! You know I never confide... I am like you. You know I never complain, I am like you. You know I hide all the pains but shares all the happy feelings.. I am like you. Now who will understand me? who will guide me? Who will I turn to? Who will I share my joy? my fears? my pains? my accomplishments? How can you see me change now? how can you see me happy now? How can you see me come out of the rain?
Tatay (as I call my dad)... I was not able to tell you for the last time how much I love you... But I know you know it. I miss you a lot!.. I miss your teachings... Your cooking.. Your caring... I miss you! And I love you so much! Wherever you are.. I know you are happy!
happy Father's day Tatay!
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