The mother I will never be

I must admit, I am one of the few whose not close with their moms.  I grew up with my dad, and with my siblings, and with other people.  I was actually a product of "look after her for now coz I'm busy" scenario.

People say like mother like daughter... Not even close between me and my mom.  Though we almost have the same date of birth and we have the same birthmark at the same place of our bodies; we are opposite in so many ways.

I will not say, I am not thankful to her.  I do!  I know I owe her a lot of things including my exsistence in this world.  In fact, I am so thankful to her that I know what kind of mother will I be when I become a mother.

She worked overseas, a beautician so to speak.  So whenever she is home or should I say whenever she is in the country, she would spend most of her time going out with her friends, whoever they are.  She'd go out while I was still sleeping and come home when I'm already asleep.  I never really felt that she is "home".

That is why, whenever I am 'home'.  I make sure that I will stay at home for my kids.  As much as I can, I will stay at home with them so that they will not feel what I felt when my mom was the one working overseas.  I want them to feel my presence all the time.  So, I thank her for showing me that I should stay home whenever I am on vacation.

She was very stubborn.  She smoked and eat all the food that she is not supposed to eat.  She usually say "I'd rather die doing what I want than not doing anything at all" or "In heaven there is no cigarette." Because of that, she had aneurysm and is now half paralysed.

So I thank her for showing me the value of clean living, for teaching me to be disciplined and to take everything in moderation.  I thank her that I know the danger of smoking and being stubborn about food and for living a worldly life.

She taught me not to ask for anything but to work hard when you want something.

I was grade 6 at that time, and she was 'home'.  I was about to go to school when I reminded her that I need Php 15.00 for my project.  She got angry for a reason I do not know and throw her half giant clam ash tray at me.  I was shocked!  It hit me on my left leg and came to school with a bleeding leg and an injured heart.  Right then, I told myself, I will never ask something when I need something.  Because of that incident, I learned to be independent.

So I thank her for teaching me to be independent and to provide well for my kids.  I told myself that when I am a mother, I will give everything that my kids need at school.  I will make sure that they will not go to school with a crushed heart because their mother got angry for asking money for a project.

I once had a 'barbie doll'... She got me one when she sent a package.  I was so happy because during that time, barbie doll was so popular.  I was the only one in the neighborhood who had one.  She came home and her godchild visited her, saw me playing with my doll and told her... "Ninang, I also want a barbie doll."  Her next action broke me into pieces:  She approached me and said, give your barbie doll to her, I'd just buy you a new one.  I obeyed, but I cried because I know that new barbie doll wouldn't come... and I was right.

I knew at that time that when I'm a mother, I will not do that to my kids.  I will not give to others what has been given to them.  I will not give them false hopes that they are special, for they will be the most special people in the world for me.  I will not crush their hearts just to prove something to  others.

She has a favorite child.  I know, because I an not that one.  Her favorite always has her best:  best attention, best gifts all the best of everything.  She never let her favorite child experience difficulties, she did everything and gave everything to her favorite child on the expense of others.  She never cared whether her least favorite child would suffer and experience hardships, all she cared for is that she must give everything her favorite child's needs.

Because of that, I learned not to favor one from the other.  I will remain impartial unless I prove one correct. I will teach my kids how to work hard on their own, to finish school so they'd not depend on the other for their personal needs.  I will never make the other have anything she wants on the expense of her other sister.

In every situation, our GOD favors us us.  They give us exactly what we need, even if we think that our moms are way too awful. They may not be the kind of mothers we want to have in our lives, but the fact that GOD gave them to us, means that there is something in her that we can learn from.  It will just be up to us whether we will take it as an inspiration to make our lives better in the future or a desperation to think for all eternity that we are not loved, that our lives are doomed.

I now know that GOD indeed love me so much that HE gave me my mother to learn everything that I need to learn to become the mother that I want to be.  The kind of mother that my kids will look up to, that my students would get inspiration from.

I will not say that she never taught me anything right.  In fact, she taught me everything that I need to know by being the kind of mother that I will never be.