If I...

I've heard about a lot peoples' first impressions of me.  Some were too bold and honest to say that they have a really bad first impression about who they think I am.  I do not feel offended for what they think I am as a person nor I feel urged to explain why I am like "that" in their eyes.  But sometimes those bad impressions influence other's thoughts of me without even knowing who I am and why I am like that.

They said I talk too loud.  They think that I would like to be the center of attention.

If I talk too loud it is not because I want everyone's eyes to lay upon me.  If I talk too loud it is only because I do not want to hear the sad thoughts ringing in my ears.  The harsh words that I heard from people who have hurt me in the past that keeps on buzzing my ears.  So if you hear me talking too loud, it is just because the thoughts were creeping my ears again and that I'd rather want to hear my nonsense voice rather than to hear the hurtful words.

They said I laugh too hard even at small things.  They think that I am silly.

If I laugh too hard, it is not because I'm silly.  If I laugh too hard, it is just because I'm having a heavy heart and a painful chest from all the troubles that I had and continue to have and that I just want to laugh them away...  If I laugh too hard, it is because it is easier to hide the pains by being silly laughing even at small things.  Laughter is the best medicine anyways, so i'd rather force myself to laugh than to spend my days crying.

They said I'm so moody.  They think I'm mean.

If at one time, you'll see me too quiet and not talking to anyone, it is not because I'm a mean person.  It is only because Im having my hormonal imbalance and that I'd rather not look nor talk to anyone than to hurt them by my aggigated behavior at the moment.  All women experience mid-life crisis, so If I am not talking and mingling with any one, it is just because I'm battling over my hormones and that I'll talk when my hormones are back to normal.

They said I'm so arrogant that I need to announce that my work is done.

If I blurt out my happiness because I finished one task among the tons of tasks given to me, I am not being arrogant.  If I am announcing the completion of my task, it is just because I want to appreciate and recognize myself for my job well done because no body does.  It is my own way to tell myself that "OK, one job done, now move on to the next, do not PROCASTINATE."

They said I'm so overwhelming, they think I'm a know-it-all kind of person.

If I am everywhere in the school, it is not because I want people to be overwhelmed by my presence or I want people to think I know everything.  If you see me all over the school, it is only because I love my work.  I love to give all that I can for the school and the students and that their happiness is my happiness.  If I try to make students happy by doing things for them, it is not because I am adding work for people, it is only because I want the students to be happy while they are in school.

They said I talk too much with men.  They think I'm a flirt.

If I talk too much with men it doesn't mean I'm flirting with them or I want them for myself.  If you see me talking to men a lot, it is only because men are not as hypocrite as women.  They tell me straight what I need to hear and not what I want to hear.  If you see me talk to men, it is only because I miss my dad whom I love so much, or I want to feel a brotherly love that I never felt from my own brother or I want to prove to myself that there are still men who are very faithful to their wives/girlfriends by listening to how they love them so much and that hopefully someday, I'd be able to find someone like them.

I will not apologize to anyone If I am being loud, silly, moody and arrogant.  It is how I survive all these years without bugging anyone to listen to my sad life.  It is how I cope with my troubles ALONE.  

And I'd rather be loud, silly, moody and arrogant than to disturb people to help me cope with the difficulties that I am facing.