Do you how a wounded child looks like? Can you set them apart from others? Can you spot them in the sea of children?
No. You can't.
They look just like any normal child at school.
They laugh, they play with others, they associate with others just like any happy kid at school.
So how do you spot a wounded child who needs a loving teacher?
You need to send time with them. You need to put extra effort to reach out to them because they won't reach out to you.
They won't come to your office to tell you they need help; they won't stop whatever they are doing to tell you they need someone to talk to.
You need to do that to them.
You need to come to their classroom; you need to stop whatever you are doing to talk to them. You need to feel their hurt from within in order to understand them.
I have a student in my school who is an epitome of a wounded child. Let us call him "Brave" (not his real name)
As I heard of his life before our school, he was an abandoned child from an orphanage. Adopted by one of the best parents in my school. He was physically abused, treated so badly before he was taken to the orphanage.
He had previous pains that up to know is still left unaddressed.
He doesn't like being "commanded to" by his parents but takes orders from teachers. He is very jolly with his classmates but very irritable with his grandmother.
He doesn't like being taken to psychologists or any behavior experts to help him address his emotions.
He flunked his 6th grade and was subjected to summer classes to make up for his failed subjects. He shuts people down. During online classes, he would not respond to teachers, he will just leave the call without notice. He felt isolated.
It was during this summer class that I learned all about his wounds.
I slowly made my way to talk to him. He comes to my office daily to attend his classes online. I will just look after him to see if he's listening or doing his works.
Then came an opportunity where we were able to talk. Not about classes, nor his pains, but about "Elon Musk" and "bitcoins".
He was surprised that I know Elon and bitcoins. His tight defenses lightened.
We talked about his binged watching of horror stuffs and I would tell him the negative effects of too much watching horror stuff. We would talk about Rick Astley and his song "never gonna give you up". I would hear him laugh.
He opened up. Not directly, but in riddles. He doesn't want talking about the orphanage. He's advanced to spot if I'm starting to "get to know him deeper". I was careful. He is the opposite of what he says and I decoded it.
He would tell me he doesn't like seeing me for make-up classes every afternoon, but 10 minutes before our every schedule, he would message me to say "I will not attend class" just to remind me it's near time for our class.
It took me time to understand that whenever he says he doesn't want to do things, it just means he needs help doing them. He doesn't respond to strong commands but volunteers to do small things and when asked for help. He would do his work fast when promised there would be games after.
I saw his invisible wound. I didn't scrape off the scabs. I allow them to fall on their own. His wounds are deep and some would bleed the moment you try to touch them, so you would have to allow his own "immune system" to work on the wounds but you would have to tell him, it will heal, he needs every positive affirmation he can get. You would have to assure him that he can do things, he is good and he is loved by walking with him every single day.
Wounded kids won't tell you they're wounded; they will show you how much they are hurting by their "rude behavior", "anger", "unresponsiveness", "carelessness". And you need to decode those seemingly harsh behavior into deep rooted pain. You need to know the right cure in order for you to help him mend his own wounds. And by right cure, I mean your strategies to help slowly manage his pains; the ones that made him behave badly.
In summary, you can help kids heal by being patient. Days won't always be good, so your patience must be consistent. You can't be patient today and explode in frustration the next day. They will test your patience to know if your concern is deep or superficial. Love truly, they need it the most. They have trust issues, they won't trust easily. Many a times they would ask you to show "proofs" just to see if they are being lied upon or not. A good way to know what kind of love do they respond to is "language of love for kids quiz". You'll have an idea to which kind of love they respond and how do they show their love to others. Brave responds to acts of service and words of affirmation. To understand them, think about what pained them and feel their pain; then and only then can you be able to say "I feel you.". Surely, I wasn't an abandoned child and I would never be able to exactly feel the way he felt during his orphanage years, but whenever I talk to him, I feel his pains by how much he behaves. Not every misbehavior among kids is about "rudeness", more often, they have unaddressed emotional pain that they cannot release.
Wounded people wound people, and if we want to help the world heal, let's start from the wounded children.
Addendum:
We're far from addressing his primitive abuses, we'll get there. I'm taking things slow until he's able to share them to me. Right now, I am just being the person he can trust and the person who can see him through and through and be the person to tell his teachers who he is and who he is not based on our daily interactions,
