Handling a Wounded Child

Do you how a wounded child looks like?  Can you set them apart from others?  Can you spot them in the sea of children?

No.  You can't.

They look just like any normal child at school.

They laugh, they play with others, they associate with others just like any happy kid at school.

So how do you spot a wounded child who needs a loving teacher?

You need to send time with them.  You need to put extra effort to reach out to them because they won't reach out to you.

They won't come to your office to tell you they need help; they won't stop whatever they are doing to tell you they need someone to talk to.

You need to do that to them.

You need to come to their classroom; you need to stop whatever you are doing to talk to them.  You need to feel their hurt from within in order to understand them.

I have a student in my school who is an epitome of a wounded child.  Let us call him "Brave" (not his real name)

As I heard of his life before our school, he was an abandoned child from an orphanage.  Adopted by one of the best parents in my school.  He was physically abused, treated so badly before he was taken to the orphanage.

He had previous pains that up to know is still left unaddressed.  

He doesn't like being "commanded to" by his parents but takes orders from teachers.  He is very jolly with his classmates but very irritable with his grandmother.  

He doesn't like being taken to psychologists or any behavior experts to help him address his emotions.

He flunked his 6th grade and was subjected to summer classes to make up for his failed subjects.  He shuts people down.  During online classes, he would not respond to teachers, he will just leave the call without notice.  He felt isolated.

It was during this summer class that I learned all about his wounds.

I slowly made my way to talk to him.  He comes to my office daily to attend his classes online.  I will just look after him to see if he's listening or doing his works.

Then came an opportunity where we were able to talk.  Not about classes, nor his pains, but about "Elon Musk" and "bitcoins".

He was surprised that I know Elon and bitcoins.  His tight defenses lightened.

We talked about his binged watching of horror stuffs and I would tell him the negative effects of too much watching horror stuff.  We would talk about Rick Astley and his song "never gonna give you up".  I would hear him laugh.

He opened up.  Not directly, but in riddles.  He doesn't want talking about the orphanage.  He's advanced to spot if I'm starting to "get to know him deeper".  I was careful.  He is the opposite of what he says and I decoded it.

He would tell me he doesn't like seeing me for make-up classes every afternoon, but 10 minutes before our every schedule, he would message me to say "I will not attend class" just to remind me it's near time for our class.

It took me time to understand that whenever he says he doesn't want to do things, it just means he needs help doing them.  He doesn't respond to strong commands but volunteers to do small things and when asked for help.  He would do his work fast when promised there would be games after.

I saw his invisible wound.  I didn't scrape off the scabs.  I allow them to fall on their own.  His wounds are deep and some would bleed the moment you try to touch them, so you would have to allow his own "immune system" to work on the wounds but you would have to tell him, it will heal, he needs every positive affirmation he can get.  You would have to assure him that he can do things, he is good and he is loved by walking with him every single day.

Wounded kids won't tell you they're wounded; they will show you how much they are hurting by their "rude behavior", "anger", "unresponsiveness", "carelessness". And you need to decode those seemingly harsh behavior into deep rooted pain.  You need to know the right cure in order for you to help him mend his own wounds.  And by right cure, I mean your strategies to help slowly manage his pains; the ones that made him behave badly.

In summary, you can help kids heal by being patient.  Days won't always be good, so your patience must be consistent. You can't be patient today and explode in frustration the next day.  They will test your patience to know if your concern is deep or superficial.  Love truly, they need it the most.  They have trust issues, they won't trust easily.  Many a times they would ask you to show "proofs" just to see if they are being lied upon or not.  A good way to know what kind of love do they respond to is "language of love for kids quiz".  You'll have an idea to which kind of love they respond and how do they show their love to others.  Brave responds to acts of service and words of affirmation.  To understand them, think about what pained them and feel their pain; then and only then can you be able to say "I feel you.".  Surely, I wasn't an abandoned child and I would never be able to exactly feel the way he felt during his orphanage years, but whenever I talk to him, I feel his pains by how much he behaves.  Not every misbehavior among kids is about "rudeness", more often, they have unaddressed emotional pain that they cannot release.

Wounded people wound people, and if we want to help the world heal, let's start from the wounded children.

Addendum:

We're far from addressing his primitive abuses, we'll get there.  I'm taking things slow until he's able to share them to me.  Right now, I am just being the person he can trust and the person who can see him through and through and be the person to tell his teachers who he is and who he is not based on our daily interactions,

Recognition Speech for Batch 2021

 Not over a year ago, all of us have experienced the anxiety of whether we will able to surpass the challenge of distance learning.

Today is our answer to that.  We have proven that though physically apart, we can all accomplish great things, though far away from each other, we can still make friends and fun memories from our virtual school.

COVID is a dreaded disease, but God made sure that our lives go on; He made sure that we have an effective platform to learning, He made sure that everyone will move up with pride that COVID was not able to stop us from schooling.

In the first few weeks of our learning, you may have faced difficulty of turning in homework via email or Edmodo, you may have bad internet connections, and you may have forgotten how to attach file; but this recognition event is best proof that you have overcome them all. Not just overcome if I may say, but you all did it with flying colors.

You do not know how proud we are at school knowing that at a very young age, you were able to accomplish a year online when we, adults were just playing marbles and tag-you’re-it when we were your age.  You deserve this recognition as much as you deserve a two thumbs up because this is a major achievement.

I congratulate you, dear completers for this year’s job-well-done.  You truly are a wonderful creations of God.  I congratulate you for not giving up and for always believing that prayers and hard work pays off. 

Have a restful summer break, because next school year, is another year to put up a fight against the barriers of education.

Congratulations and may you always find pride in your achievements this year.  See you in the next academic year of SSFI’s virtual class.

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Message to the Pandemic Graduates of Batch 2021

 I can still recall my first year in SSFI, you are still in grade one and Larissa is in grade five.  I saw you how little you were, still anxious about your parents leaving you with your then grade 1 adviser, teacher Hanna.  I wanted to comfort you back then but I still do not know how to approach you since it will just be the first time that you see me.

Then the “legend of the yoghurt sticks” came in.  I thought of finding ways where we can ease up the anxiety between us.  I prepared questions based on your lessons and you would answer for a reward… the mighty yoghurt sticks!

I was so happy that after Bernard Guevarra, you started queueing up in front of my office during snack breaks for questions and of course, the reward.  You would prepare yourselves for the question of the day.  I can still vividly recall Rafa answering the most difficult question:  What is my full name.  He intelligently looked into my ID and confidently replied the answer while his classmates exclaimed “that’s cheating” and he answered “Teacher Khaye didn’t say we can’t look for clues.”  It was the moment that your anxieties were broken.

Though I am glad seeing you move up to the next level, I am sad that I wasn’t able to hear your laughs and complains face to face.  You heard that right, COMPLAINS.  Because if it not the girls complaining against the boys, it’s the boys who would complain against the girls.

I remember too back then when Larissa would come to my office with Seo Jeong and we would make crafts in the afternoon.  We re-designed an old shirt and made it into a bag.  I would also remember Lars wanting to get pass the gates to buy coffee at 7-11 and sometimes using her charms to ask teachers buying their snacks outside to buy her one.

This pandemic has truly physically separated us all; It tumbled down the economy, shook systems and even took the lives of our love ones; but there are things that it cannot destroy: our will to learn, our will to keep us virtually together at least; and God’s promise to us the HE will never leave us nor forsake us. 

As we come to a close, I want you to know how rewarding it is to see you succeed this year.  Virtual class is not easy; it is far more difficult that face to face class, but look! You’ve won over the worst barrier of education.  I congratulate you for not giving up, for believing that you can learn even at a distance and for staying close to what we hold dear; our relationship with God.

I prayed, kept on praying and will continue to pray for all of you. Though some of you will leave us, I want you to know that you will always remain a part of the SSFI family.  Just message us, and surely, we’ll be there to help.

Soar high mighty SPURGEONISTAS! Claim your success as He sends you outside to build His kingdom!  Congratulations batch 2021.

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Depression is real.

People with depression gets more depressed because too many people want to talk them out, but only few would spend time to listen. Just sit down with them to hold their hand or even hug them to tell them; they're not alone.

But because people are TOO busy to listen, they'd rather talk them out not realizing that they already know it's gonna be OK in the end it's just that what they need is someone who will be there with them until it's OK.

I've been depressed too many times, before I met the Lord, and even now that He has found me. So no one can judge me that I'm just spiritually weak, because to tell you the truth, those who call themselves "believers" were the ones who make me feel I am unworthy, that I am unclean.

The only difference then and now is that now, I know how to block those prying eyes and malicious thoughts about me because I know who to call and talk to whenever my depressions starts lurking around.  I was over those moments when I had to hurt myself or starve myself whenever depression crept in.  I now know how to battle it in a win win situation.

My only weapon during my most depressed moment was that I fear hell; I feared God.  And not many people with depression fear or even know that there is God.  I needed help.  And He gave me one.  Like Hannah, Samuel's mother; I prayed, prayed, prayed and prayed like crazy.  I was so broken that I didn'r care whether people hear my woes or not.

It is not obvious that I have it, because many people with depression know how to put up a show because we're too fed up being with people who talk too much but listen too little.  Those who know me a little would say that I'm a very loud person, jolly and funny, strong and decisive; but those who really know me would say that I am a very lonely person, I cry too easily, very sensitive and would not eat when stressed. I put on a mask of jolliness in front of people who can't see through my pains because I know, they won't spend time to know me.  They can't see my needs. 
 
You can help us.  We need help.

SPEND TIME with us ... we don't normally talk about how we feel that easy; TAME us and we'll talk. And when we talk, PLEASE LISTEN to understand and not just listen to respond. And when you understand, realize that we are scared, we experience palpitations, panic attacks and paranoia; please HOLD OUR HANDS or HUG us, do something crazy so we can fight them all away. Don't tell us that killing ourselves is not going to solve our problems because believe me, it has crossed our minds several times; we're still here because we're still fighting our depression away. PRAY for and with us, we need it while we're still here, not when we're already gone.

So if you are those who doesn't have it and are too calloused to spot a person who has it; be a little sensitive and observant, you'll never know the person within your circle is already in the verge of taking their lives because no one realizes their needs, no one notices their loneliness.
And if you have it, well... keep fighting. I have fought and is still fighting. Let's fight this together. I am here, you are not alone; message me, call me, email me, come see me; either way... I'll listen.

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Thank you teacher!

Dear Teachers,

Shalom!

I'm one of your most grateful students. Today and everyday, I want to honor you because I know how much effort, agony and sacrifice you give just to make your lessons easy to understand and enjoyable to do. I also know how many edits, toss and turns you make to decide whether you'll give us a passing grade just because you think about our parents' hardwork (not to mention our moms tears for mercy) though we don't exert that much effort to show you that we deserve to pass you subject. 

I also know how much criticisms you receive from people who do not know how hard is it to teach 40-50-60+ students in a classroom telling you that students fail because of your lack of "skill". I know that because of your love for us, you usually miss spending time with your loved ones, and skip most of their celebrations; that we, your students and our parents don't even notice how much pain that gives you.

I know how much of your earning is spent to us just to make the visual aids or lesson materials engaging even if it means that you would skip your salon day, dentist appointment or even ignore that shoes or dress you are dying to buy. I know how late at night you sleep and sometimes don't sleep at all just to finish the grades, paper works, reports, exam papers that we don't even dare to answer correctly, even those tiny little notes that you write just to give us encouragement.

But of all your many sacrifices, what I appreciate the most is that you did not give up on us even if you should have. You did not give up on believing that one day, we will all understand what you were trying to teach us since the start. You never gave up on your dreams that one day, we will reach our own dreams and be the person you envisioned us to be. You never stopped searching for the good in us even if the world sees only the bad in us.

I know all of the sacrifices you make because like you, I am called to be a teacher. I understand you because, I never would have had I not been a teacher. So thank you teacher! Thank you for your selfless acts to make an impact to us your students. I have never and will never forget how grateful I am that I have been under your care, your meticulous hands and your very probing eyes.

Thank you comrades, for all the heart, the soul, the blood and sweat that you give to every child, regardless of who they are, were they came from and what they believe in. You are the reason why I am proud to be a teacher. SALUTE!

Your ever grateful student,

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School leaders as a factor in teacher turnover

Private school leaders face yearly turnovers. They think that teachers leave because of the salary offers in other school. In this country, the government schools offers higher starting salary for teachers.
Is it impossible for a school to experience no turnovers?

It is not! It is achievable. Because this year, the school where I lead has no turnover report (by His grace).

Believe it or not, the compensation in my school is not that attractive compared to the compensation that a teacher can get from the public schools. By all means Makati City public schools offer higher benefits and other additional compensation to public school teachers/employees that can really make a teacher leave the private service.

But salary is not all that matters to teachers.

A great factor to teacher turnover is their LEADERS.

Teaching is a very challenging task. Everyday, teachers are exposed to so many different challenges like the overly pampered pupils, very hands-on parents, politics in the faculty, the ever so changing curriculum and their own personal concerns. And so they need a leader who will not add up to the burden but a leader who can help them carry the burden with them.

Leaders need to look the teachers not as subordinates but partners. Let us admit it, we can’t run the school alone. We need to work with the teachers in as much as we work with the parents, students and the Education community. Unfortunately, some leaders look at teachers as subordinates, not their equals that creates a barrier between a teacher and the leader. Some leaders have an attitude that “I am higher than you so do as I say!” and this gives a feeling of separation from the teachers. Some leaders have the “entitlement mindset” that they think they should be more favored than the teachers.

Leaders need to not only be concerned by how well teachers do their jobs but also how well they are coping up with the other concerns. Teachers need to feel they have a strong leader support who will stand by them when they fall and not leave them when parents complain arises. They need a leader who will tell them what they did and help them realize the consequences of their own actions and not to condemn them or humiliate them in front of a complaining parent. They need a leader who can understand their weaknesses and help them become a better person by their able guidance. They need a leader who prays for and with them, a leader who will not just be concerned about their professional and personal journeys but also concerned about their spiritual journeys. Unfortunately, some leaders don’t even have time to ask “how are you doing?” to their teachers. Some already know that the teachers are going through a rough time, yet don’t even ask the teacher what can they do to help. This gives teachers a feeling of being alone amidst of the crowd in front of them.

Leaders need to look at the teachers as members of a family. Each member has their own task to fulfill but for one specific goal. Leaders need to feel what their teachers feel by being always available. Leaders need need to bridge the gap between members of the faculty, They need to make everyone feel that they are equally important. In some organizations, leaders favor the ones “close” to them than the ones who are not. This gives teachers a feeling of ‘favoritism’ in their work place.

Teachers need a leader who is mature enough to acknowledge when they are wrong. It is not demeaning for a leader to say sorry to a teacher when they are wrong. In fact, humility is a strong character that a leader should possess. And seeing that their leader is humble, every member of a faculty will learn humility by your example. In many occasions, leaders do not say sorry for the wrongs that they did, some are even too calloused to acknowledge their own mistakes, instead they feel they are “infallible”.

Any teacher can accept rebuking when done in the office, not in public places where other colleagues can see and hear. A leader should learn the art of correcting mistakes; when they do, the person being rebuked will feel the concern rather than the condemnation. I have witnessed before a colleague being yelled at in the hallway by my former school leader. My co-teacher is already crying out of fear and embarrassment. When I saw that, I told myself that I won’t be like that when I become a leader. My office will always be the avenue for rebuking not hallways, not facebook walls.

Teachers need a leader, not a boss. They need us to show them how things are done and allow them to do things on their own (with guidance) that helps them take responsibility of their own decisions. They need a leader who will walk with them to carry the load, not a leader who tells them to carry the load. In real life, some leaders like that they are being served by the teachers, being given the best front seat, near the fan and with the best shade. This is totally different from how Jesus taught us what a leader should be: a servant-leader.

Leading is never easy and we can’t perfect it overnight. But if you’re leading with your heart, mind, body and soul at their right places, then you’ll be effective. If you’re leading without worrying about your poise, title, privilege and time, then the teachers will have that same working ethics as you are.

Don’t be the factor why your teachers leave. Be the factor why your teachers stay.

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wrong chair and its effect on students' behavior and performance

One of my strategies to understand people better is putting my self in their situation especially when "misbehavior" concerns from students are raised to me by the members of my team. For me, there is a deeper reason why kids "misbehave".

A teacher approached me and told me that she has a student who keeps on standing, sitting on the floor and doing his work on it. He constantly fidgets and complains whenever he is asked to write on his notes. She said that she exerted "all" her efforts to find out what is the problem but she met a dead end.

Determined to find out the cause of this student's "misbehavior", I observed the student and noticed that he's left handed. So I sat on a chair for the left-handed (I'm right-handed) and it made me feel so uncomfortable so I started to fidget from occasional to constant. So I told the teacher that maybe the child is not comfortable with his right-hand chair. She immediately asked the student to use a left-hand chair and his behavior improved, his performance improved, he's more concentrated and writes better.

My conclusion: we really can't just say a child has an "attitude", there is really a reason why they act the way they do. We should be observant and reflective before we react and judge kids (even adults).

I just feel sorry for the left handed kids in the public schools and in some private schools who have to endure the right hand chairs daily. I hope school administrators and even some gov't schools supply officers do something to help these kids because these can lead to medical concerns. This may also be a factor why these kids fidget, constantly stands or doesn't want to write on their notebooks. This may also lead to poor academic performance because prolong sitting on a wrong chair will definitely make a person uncomfortable thus concentration will be lesser because your body is too stressed to focus on your studies and is trying to endure a pain especially in the spine.

Giving a student an appropriate chair will help the child and the teacher achieve that teacher-learner balance. The student will be comfortable and more relaxed thus will be more focused and performance ready.

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