Overacting! Awkward! Crazy! These are the three bombs that exploded in my head the first time I attended a Christian service. I was invited by my niece to attend the service of a Church she is attending. I said “why not, anyways, I do not have anything to do because I was on vacation from an overseas work”.
So I attended “their” service and I was like… These people are overacting! Why do they need to cry? There is nothing sad about the song! Then I saw them raising their hands and I was like “major awkwardness!” Why lift up their hands for? I joke on the thought of saying “present!” ok the pastor has listed you to the attendance sheet so would you all please put down your hands (my eyes rolling). And to the extreme I said these people are crazy! Why? Because the same people whom I saw crying were now jumping and dancing in joy. Isn’t it craziness?
So the worship songs were over and here comes the pastor. Sermon was about “TITHING and blessing” and I was like “UH, OH! Money maker on the lose!” I thought “how can there be blessing in losing your money to people you don’t know and to a church you don’t trust?” I said to myself “at least "MY CHURCH" (that time) don’t force us to give a tenth of our income!”
So the service ended. I went back to my work abroad and then it’s time to going back home again. And because majority of the people in our house attends the church (except for me and my nephew), I joined the what I called ALIVE, ALIVE (Born again Christians) members of my family. They even invited me to attend this family camp in Baguio, one December of I can’t remember what year. I joined because I want to go take my kids to Baguio and not because I would like to join that camp.
I was introduced by my sister to a lady pastor. She was beaming! I was like “what the heck! Why all smiles! Do I know you woman?!” She told me, ‘If you have time, I want to know you more”. So I devised a way on how to elude her beaming face as if she is being carried by a million butterflies. I thought to myself that it is just my sister’s scheme to make me ALIVE ALIVE. I do not want to talk to anyone at that time because I was still very bitter because of what happened to my family: My husband left me over a woman. I hid from her sight, whenever she comes near; I would pretend to be following my then 3 year-old Euna. Until came a day that I do not need to hide from her anymore, I caught mumps. Oh it was awful! I was thinking that maybe I was cursed for eluding the lady pastor. “Carmi Martin!”
But later, as I join their services, I slowly began to understand their actions. Slowly, God manifested His light on me. Though I do not want my family to know that I am slowly being transformed because I feel shy, awkward and the seed in my heart is yet to be planted deeply. If you happen to know me before, you’ll be surprised that I can be capable to sitting down alone without talking. But I sat down, really really sat down and reflected on my life. I began to read the Bible and meditated on the words. I found out how “blessed” I really am to receive the many blessings that I have received even though I know, I only call Him when I am in need or in pain. I began to be sorry for my sins, to feel Jesus’ pain on the cross for a sinner like me. I thought that I should be the one on that cross because I was the one who commited all those sins, those gruesome and unimaginable sins, not Him. Then I recalled the people at the church crying as they pray. I finally understand them why. I finally know the reason why people shout, dance and sing joyfully like a crazy man. It is because of the overflowing joy of knowing that they have a Father who loves them so much that He endured the pain of seeing His only Son suffered and died on the cross.
That time on, I long to be like them: the overacting, awkward and crazy ALIVE, ALIVE! I want to know more about Jesus. I want to feel the peace. I want to understand how can I help save a sinner like me.
When I finally decided to go back to the Philippines for good last June 2013, I told myself that I will be a serious Christian. I tried my best to join the first invitation to encounter, failed. The second one, failed again as if the devil doesn’t want one soul to know God in depth. Even the conferences, I failed to attend. Then when I started sharing God’s words at school as a part of our weekly assembly, “problems” come one after another. I asked God “Is this what I will get for following You?” A small still voice answered me as I cry of terror, frustrations and aloneness: “all of you who are called to serve Me undergo the same suffering. Take heart! I have conquered the world!”
I decided to put my faith in Him and to my surprise; all the people who plotted evil against me were gone! God took them away. My boss who wanted me to stop sharing the Word, was gone before I finish my contract. The “problems’ that I entrusted to Him, were all solved without me doing anything. Well not actually doing nothing. I was praying for them all the time together with my family. What more can I ask for? Aside from trusting Him completely, and praying, I just work my usual at school. I can tell you for hours the many spiritual battles that I fought, but a book would be more appropriate for it to accommodate them all. The thing is, I just hold still. I let go and let God do His wonders.
I made it to batch ISRAEL encounter! I almost failed it, but I told myself, nothing can prevent me from joining it. I felt that I had to give it back to Him for not leaving me in times that I needed Him, so I just have to attend this encounter as a gratitude to Him and to show that I am serious of following him and knowing him. I felt God! I cannot imagine how blessed I am to know who God is and what He can do to my life. The experience that I got from the encounter was the best experience that I have gotten in my entire life. Why? It gave me an opportunity to be called a “child of God”. It gave me a right to be called a “co-heir” with Christ. It gave me the opportunity to really accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
And about TITHING… Now I realize why our pastor encourages us to practice giving a tenth of our income,… because it pleases God. God gave us everything we have, and it is just but right to give Him a tenth of what He gives us. I do not want to elaborate the many blessing that I have been receiving and what I will receive more since I started tithing, but believe me… They are more than what I have prayed for!
So now when people see me worship, they will also now call me ALIVE, ALIVE! But who cares! At least now I am able to communicate with ease what I want to say to God without being limited by people to mediate for me. At least now I can ask for forgiveness directly to God without being limited people to mediate for me. At least now I know clearly who I pray at without being limited to images and relics. At least now I know that all my sins were cancelled and that I am given a new life in the Lord. I am a born again Christian and I am proud to say that I am ALIVE ALIVE! Because my Jesus is Alive, forevermore.
(Verses to reflect, Matthew 10)
